Friday, September 5, 2008

Faith

Today is a little different for me. I usually try and keep this blog light and fun and talk about things that I think people can find funny or enjoyable. Today I am sharing something much more personal, and that is very hard for me. I'm one of those people who don't like to open up to others too much because I have such a huge fear of rejection. But, I feel like God has laid this topic on my heart and I've fought Him a little too long on sharing...

Faith. It's such a simple word that I think gets tossed around sometimes too lightly. It's so easy to say that you have faith in something. I know it is for me. But to truly mean it with your whole heart, body and soul is another thing. My biggest and most obvious struggle was with infertility. I told others countless times that I had faith that God would give us a baby. But truly, I don't think I did. No - I know I didn't. I wanted to think that I knew that it would turn out the way it has, but I know that I didn't - at least not until a few months ago.

I have a very hard time showing people my true emotions. When I say very hard, I mean it's like pulling teeth without Novocaine hard. I don't do it. Period. Too many people have used my emotions against me, to the point where I stopped allowing myself to show my feelings. I didn't cry at my own wedding. My husband did - in fact he cries every Sunday during Baptism. But not me. This started years ago, way before we started ttc. So I say that to bring you up to speed a little bit ... to where we began trying to have a baby.

I'm a total and complete control freak. I want things done my way or the highway (I've gotten a lot better with that though). So about six months after we started ttc I knew there was a problem...that may sound unusual but trust me, it was obvious. So I went to the doctor and we started Clomid. We made many trips to the doctor and then ultimately the RE. I knew that they would have the answers I sought...I mean, they are medical professionals. If they couldn't get me pregnant then it wasn't going to happen.

Then one day, my RE said that he was sorry and that our only option to ever have a child was IVF. Up until this point, anytime he or my OB told me to do something I did it without question. Clomid, Femara, HCG shots, Follitism shots, and HSG, surgery, IUI's...I did it. No questions asked, just how soon can we start. I had already researched IVF and knew that my insurance would give me $15,000 towards the procedure. We could easily do it. But when he said those words, I froze. I told him I needed to think about it.

Chris and I made the drive home from Tulsa and I was pretty silent (unusual for me!). I finally knew what my problem was. It wasn't that I had endo or that I didn't ovulate. It wasn't any of that. It was that I had no faith that God could do this without the help of a doctor. I told Chris I needed a break from all the treatments and he fully supported that decision. And if you've read my blog before, you know that I did get pregnant - that very next month, totally unmedicated, and I lost my baby. Now I'm pregnant again - the first cycle after my miscarriage and again without any intervention.

I think my miscarriage had a lot to do with testing my faith. In a lot of ways, it was easy for me to say no more doctors, I am going to have faith in God on this. But once you get pregnant and then that precious baby is taken from you, it takes a whole new kind of faith. Faith that there was a reason, a plan behind this. Faith that God will provide for you. Faith that God's plan is best, no matter what it may be.

So what caused me to write all this? The last two days I've not felt much movement from Brayden. It scares me. And every time I get scared I call my doctor. I realized that I'm falling back into a bad thing...So I came to the computer and I sat down, not really knowing what I was going to do. So I prayed. I rarely feel like God is speaking clearly and directly to me, but today He did. This will sound a little silly but there is a couch in our office and I felt like I needed to go lay down. I rarely sit on that couch and I've certainly never gone to lay down and rest on it (just because it seems weird to go rest in the office). So I did...and Brayden started kicking me. I know in my heart that every thing's fine but He just laid the subject of faith so strongly on my heart that I couldn't ignore it any longer. Nor do I want to.

Anyway, I hope that this post can be an encouragement to you somehow. Maybe someone out there who reads this is struggling with the same things. I'm not perfect, and I don't have it all figured out by any means. I still have such a hard time opening up and this was a leap of faith for me in more ways than one. But I hope it can be a blessing to you.

19 comments:

Meredith said...

Oh Jenna-you arejust such a VERY sweet person. I admire you for posting this. It is so important to have faith and learn from it. learn from growing in faith. I am thinking about you!!!

Mandi said...

Great post! God used our infertility to strengthen my faith as well and I wouldn't change anything about my experience. Believing Him in the midst of difficult circumstances isn't always easy, but He is SO worthy of our trust!!!

Shannon said...

This post really hit home for me. I have been thinking these exact same thoughts. We are going to take a break from the doctors for a while and trust GOD. Thank you for posting this!

Megan L Hutchings said...

It did take a big leap of faith to post this and I am so glad/proud you did. I truly believe that we all go through our dry spells, but even during those times He knows our hearts and what we are hoping for. Brayden is so lucky to have you as a mother and I know that you will teach him what faith is all about ;).

Hugging you now dear friend!

Mary Kate said...

Jenna...thank you so much for posting that. I am sure it took a lot to post that. I know how easy it is to loose faith in God, & although I feel like I periodically lost faith through our IF struggle, overall, I think my faith in God is so much stronger now than before all our difficulties! Thanks you again!

Heather said...

Jenna- Thank you for your leap of faith- this ministered to me in so many ways. Our God is REAL and INVOLVED in all aspects of your life and now your pregnancy. To trust Him is our hardest and most important decision.
Your story encourages me so much that if I REALLY BELIEVE, (not just say that I do) then God will bring me my baby!
Thanks for this, I needed it!

Megan said...

This was such a great post. Thank you for sharing you heart.

CAMoore said...

Jenna - your post was so sweet. I love reading posts about people's faith - I think it really connects to people more than you will ever know!

Robyn Beele said...

Thank you so much for sharing. We all stray from our faith every now and then. I am so glad everything is okay!

HopingandWaiting said...

Thanks for this post Jenna. It is so true---I struggle with faith so much. I too want to be in control and want to know WHY God hasn't allowed us to conceive--or to get BFP twice and then lose it. I keep thinking, "why would all this be a part of His plan for us? Why would he want us to suffer?" Krysta keeps telling me not to question, just trust and have faith that this is the road He wants us to be on right now and it will change in His timing.
Thanks for sharing your heart and encouraging me.

Krysta said...

You are an awesome person. You obeyed God and posted this and it is helping us all. Thank you Jenna! I have been thinking about this a lot lately too since we are taking the next few months off before our next IVF cycle in January. I'm praying that we won't even have to do it! But whatever happens is God's plan and I'm willing to follow where He leads. Thanks again.

Lianna Knight said...

Jenna,
This meant EVERYTHING to me...I have been working on my FAITH, TRUST, and GUIDANCE with GOD. I have wanted for so long to be a mother and I know that the Lord has His plan for me. I know that I must wait for His time and His plan...as you have waited. Please know that your story is an inspiration for me and I know that Brayden is a gift to you and will be something that you have waited and prayed for...and a precious that our God has provided.

I look forward to our time when the Lord grants us our heart's desires...

Blessings!

Melissa said...

Jenna,

Thank you for sharing your heart. It is hard for me as well to open up sometimes. I have a few wonderful heart friends on this journey who I can be totally transparent with. I am in a journey of faith as well, but for a totally different reason. Your blog inspired me!! I am praying for a healthy pregnancy for you.

Melissa

Harris Family said...

I really appreciate your honesty! I know exactly...well not exactly how you feel! I am thankful that I did not have to undergo so many infertility procedures. I have, however, been struggling with similar feelings. The morning sickness is gone, the nights wide await are gone(at least for now), a lot of feelings that remind you that baby is in there and is safe are gone. I find myself questioning sometimes. Then I have to remind myself that this baby is in the Lord's hands. I will be praying! I know how scarey it is!

His Doorkeeper said...

Jenna, God bless you for opening your heart and sharing this. God just wants to love and bless you because you are His. Just as you already love Brayden, not for what he has done, but for who he is.....all yours!

This brought tears to my eyes and I thank you for your honesty. You have ministered to more than you know!

Amanda said...

Thank you for posting this. You are such an amazing woman and you give me so much faith. I am in the process of just putting it all in God's hands and it is already making me feel better. It is amazing what a little faith will do for you! :)

Kendra said...

Hi Jenna,
I am a new blogger (but long time lurker!!). I found your blog off of Kelly's blog, and have read a few entries. I loved this one!! As someone who has struggled with some of the same things, I so appreciate your insight. I think not only have you blessed so many by taking this leap of faith and sharing your story, you have also brought glory to Him.
I hope to one day be so bold on my blog!
Thanks again,
kendra (Portland Or)

Anonymous said...

Amazing post!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

this was a beautiful post...
I have started at the current post and worked my way to this one, i will continue to read until I have read it all.
You are such an amazing women, your strength and faith are amazing..
Thank you for sharing.

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