Friday, December 11, 2009

painfully honest.

this is a very honest post. from me. to you.

note to reader: i do not like to talk about my feelings. just ask my husband.

as b's first birthday rapidly approaches, i have mixed emotions. that sounds weird, right? well, i felt weird attempting to explain that to my husband yesterday.

your child's birthday should equal happy memories. fond recollections. "firsts."

mine does not.

mine = sadness. uncertainly. pain.

i shared with chris yesterday that i have a huge amount of GUILT on my plate right now. i am BLESSED to have my son, healthy and whole and safe.

but as his birthday gets closer, i remember.

i remember my c-section and the nurses making chris rush him out of the operating room while i sat there not knowing what was happening. i remember getting to see him once through the glass the day he was born. the next day, finally able to touch his head and tell him goodbye as they loaded him onto an ambulance. that night, checking myself out of the hospital as quickly as i could so i could tell him goodbye again as they loaded him onto to angel one helicopter. sitting at the hospital day after day before i could hold him finally at NINE days old.

chris reminded me that much more GOOD came from our BAD situation than ever would have had that road not been chosen for us. people came to know the LORD. we were able to HELP others in their time of need. it strengthened our marriage.

life is all about choices.

im choosing to make new memories for us this january 13th.

i am CHOOSING to praise GOD for the path HE choose for us. after all, HIS will is perfect.

19 comments:

Al's World said...

Thank you for being honest, DON'T LET SATAN STEAL YOUR JOY!!!!! This is a day of celebration, a day to remember God's miracle in your life, not a day to remember the sadness. Just focus on God's glory, I know how hard it is, I am going to have a baby without my mom. All I can focus on right now is that I am having a baby without her, but I have to focus on the wonderfulness of having another child, not the fact that my mom is missing in body..it is so hard, but we can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! Hang in there!

Guy and Julie said...

Jenna--as I'm getting closer and closer to having this baby--I just can't wrap my head around what you went through. I hate that it was that way for you guys--I know how thankful you are for B, and I get why you feel the way you do about his birthday. I'll pray God will slowly replace those thoughts and feelings with happy ones. I know it must all be very fresh to you right now.

Mama2aMiracle said...

As the 1st comment states DO NOT LET SATAN STEAL YOUR JOY! Birthdays used to be VERY hard for me as well.. My son was born at 25 weeks gestation, weighing only 1 pound at birth and stayed 99 days in the NICU and was 2 1/2 months old before I got to hold him. I used to beat myself up come birthday time to the point where the day was just sad for me. I would cry and blame myself for his early birth..But I have now realized that our Lord choose Seth to shine thro..as he did B. Our boys are true miracles! Their birthdays are HUGE days!! And we are their mamas and should stand proud! :-)

((Hugs)) Your doing an amazing job with B. He is handsom as can be!!

Lori from TN

Barclay Kathryn said...

Oh honey I understand that. Thanks so much for being so open with your readers, I think its a great way to kind of vent and to get some support. I will say though as a first birthday approaches you can look at it like its such a huge blessing you were even able to have a wonderful year with a sweet baby boy and many many more! : )

Kodi said...

Jenna-
I love how you ended your post by saying you are making a choice. That is exactly right. Everyone is dealt bad circumstances sometimes, but it is how you CHOOSE to handle them that matters. You are so blessed to have a happy, healthy one year old boy! Something tells me that you will never take that for granted. You will also always appreciate the miracle that his life is. God is so good and thank you for reminding all of your readers of that once again. I remember when the Dr. told me I had to have a c-section I was really sad because I had in my mind how wonderful it would be to deliver naturally and see my baby be born. I know it's silly, but I was so sad about it. Then as soon as I saw my beautiful baby I realized it didn't matter how he got here as long as he was mine, safe and sound. I will never take that for granted. Happy Birthday B!!!

Katie Spinks said...

i love your post!! i totally understand what you were saying but I agree 100% dont let satan win and steal your joy remember the miracle God gave you and all the good that has come from the situation and from B!! I'll be praying God give you peace as his birthday approaches and that the memories you will make this year will replace the sad thoughts!!

Bonita said...

I know exactly what you mean. Our son was born Nov 08 - 7 weeks early and had to be in the NICU for 5 weeks. He came home on the Apnea monitor the day before Christmas. We didnt get to be with our families for the holidays, and due to the snowy weather they were unable to travel to visit us. I remember feeling so alone. This fall I found myself dreading the winter- bc even though I had my baby boy at home- last winter was hard. I was a new mom at home caring for a 4lb baby- hooked up to monitors- and I was scared. The memories flooded me-- the beeping of the monitors in the hospital- the cold snowy weather- even the smell of hand sanitizer takes me back to those 5 weeks in the NICU.... But I have found the Lord in my heart- and he walks every path with me.
Your son is precious!!

The Niemeyer Nest said...

Very good post! It is weird for me too as I get closer to my daughter's first birthday. I am remembering everything from this time last year. It feels like has been here forever.

Kelly said...

I know exactly how you feel. Everyone always says their child's birth is the greatest day of their life - but Harper's birth was the WORST day of my life. But when she was 12 days old and we held her first time - THAT was the best day. And when we brought her home - THAT was so great. And every day since.

Robin said...

Jenna, I know how you feel. I delivered my triplets at 25 weeks, they spent 5 months in the NICU. I didn't hold any of my babies until they were two months old.

I lost two of my babies before their first birthday. We were very thankful when we were able to celebrate my surviving daughter's birthday, however, there was always the thought that it should be a party for THREE, not just one.

Praying that Brayden's first birthday will be filled with joy and happiness!

{{HUGS}}

Robin :o)

Sherrie said...

Hugs!

Mary Avery said...

I can't imagine what y'all went through last January. You'll never forget those feelings, but maybe over time at each birthday you're going to think back on the past year and all the wonderful, fun, amazing moments that you've had with him. Isn't God awesome that he gave us children to love?!

writing4612 said...

As a twin preemie, my mom didn't get to hold me for a month. When you feel depressed, just think of all of the good things that you have around you. I always remind myself that things could be much worse.

Thinking of you as you sort through your emotions. Praying that you eventually see some light at the end of the tunnel...

writing4612 said...

Also remember that if you give into sadness, Satan has got you right where he wants you. He doesn't want us to see how blessed we are because he wants us to say and think the wrong things. Just make a conscious decision to think on good things.

jsiewert said...

Jenna, I read your post with tears in my eyes...... I have been there and every year since my daughters birth 4 years ago I am there. My daughter was born 8 weeks early and stayed 3 weeks in the hospital. It is so hard to have your baby taken from you at birth and miss all of those firsts with your baby. Once you get past the first birthday it will be easier. Once you can make a happy memory for his birthday it will make the memories easier.

Jenny said...

trying to keep this same perspective in my own life right now while dealing with childrens' illnesses! thanks for the reminder!!

Candace said...

Dear Jenna,
Thank you for this post. I understand, to some extent, how you feel. Almost two and a half years ago, I went to the hospital to have a routine C-section. There were no problems other than the fact that she was expected to be a large baby. For the first 24 hours, things were great, however in the middle of the night she started showing signs of a bowel blockage. They had to take her to our Children's hospital and I was separated from her for 4 days. Those were the worst days ever. Last year, when I was working on her scrapbook, I started getting very emotional remembering those days. Even now, it is hard to look back at the pics of her in the nicu. WE were very thankful that she was only in the hospital for an extra day, but the fear and worry is almosty crippling as a new mom. I was praying for you the entire time and so glad that your precious boy is happy and Healthy today. We just recently had our second child, a boy, and my worries and fears were that he would be taken to Children's the same way.. thankfully there was no need for that. God answered our prayers and the little guys showed us that he would be completely different from the start... he was pooping from the time they pulled him out. I guess what I am trying to say is... do not let the fears of that happening again someday hinder you from having another. Much love, and Merry Christmas!

C from Cincy

Carmen Adkins said...

Jenna, what honesty and inspiration you have shared in your post. Praise God for Who he is! And he created an absolutely wonderful woman/daughter/wife/mother/sister in you. His word says we are "fearfully AND wonderfully made". And sister, that includes you! Enjoy the celebrations you will experience in the next 30 days. Finding joy in the difficult times is hard for us humans, but we serve a God who takes the difficult and makes them easier for us. PTL! My love to you and your family. Merry Christmas!

Becky Milstead said...

My 1st son was in the NICU when he was born and he was an emergency c-section as well. My first memory of his life was the nurses intubating him. James is 5 & I still cry on his birthday. I always sneak into his room & take a picture of him at the time he was born. I think it's ok for me to still mourn those first few days that were so awful. But I also thank God for letting me keep my precious baby boy. It's still hard to think about but it just makes me that much more thankful for my sweet boy!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Blogging tips