Monday, August 3, 2009

Separation Anxiety

Actually, I'm the one having the anxiety! I struggle with leaving B anywhere with anyone. My mom and dad have kept him several times and I know he's perfectly fine with them, but I miss him!

I haven't left him in the church nursery yet and I don't know when I will. If he starts to "talk" I take him out of church. But I just can't leave him!

Has anyone else gone through this? Advice? Tips? Am I just totally nuts?

Oh and the giveaway? Enter now, because I'll choose a winner today!


Lori said...

What you are feeling is normal, but you need to ask yourself "why" you feel this way. Do you feel that way when you leave him just with your husband to run errands? After going through infertility with my sister, your feelings are to be expected.

Leaving him with family is good (FOR BOTH OF YOU). It is healthy for your son to bond with his grandparents, and that is what you are allowing when you allow them to babysit.

As far as church, don't beat yourself up about that right now. I would think once he begins to walk, then it would be nice for him to be around other kids for that one hour. It is amazing how much they develop in just watching kids their own age. It also develops their social interaction.

1. Get rid of mommy guilt.
2. Foster that bond between your child and their grandparents, it is important.
3. Allow yourself time to recharge (even if it is just an hour), you will be a better Mom because you did.


The 'Ssippi Scoop said...

Before I start this comment I want to say that I'm simply commenting in the spirit of "being one of those mother's too"! I don't mean anything negative about what I'm about to say but I'm afraid it may come accross that way and I don't want it to. That being said I'm going to first tell you of my experiences as a public education teacher/daycare director. (I taught for 9 years and then took a break last year while I was pregnant and worked as a daycare director at a large church in our town). If you don't let him get to know other people other than you, it's not really doing him any favors. Those kids who don't have relationships with anyone other than mom have a really hard time adjusting when they get older. I don't know if you plan to go back to work but even if you don't, when he goes to school at 5, if you don't homeschool, it will be really hard for him if he hasn't been made to stay with others and be away from you. Not to mention how hard it will be for you when that time comes and I know that is still a long way off, but I've seen it first hand and I know how much it really "hurts" a child to be with no one but mom for the first 5 years of life.
That being said, after my daughter was born in December, she of course went to the daycare with me after she was 10 weeks old. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard that was for me. Every time I heard her talk/cry/whatever, I was down there in her room in a flash. I could not do my job for fussing over her. Which I'm sure is normal.

Con'd cuase I've run out of space!

The 'Ssippi Scoop said...

I don't know if you follow my blog or not, but in April she was put in the hospital for being in respiratory distress and that lead to a major surgery on her airway. Long story short, I quit my job and stayed home with her, which was WONDERFUL, I wish we could afford for me to be a SAHM, but she slept with me, took a shower with me, you name it, if I did it, she did it too! I would not let her out of my sight for more than 10 seconds, even if it was with her dad or grandparents. I wouldn't let anyone else feed her, bathe her, dress her, blah blah blah.
Then one I day I got sick and she literally screamed the entire day and night for me and wanted nothing to do with my husband or her grandparents. It got to where I couldn't leave the room or she screamed. My parents live in Alabama and when we were there for the 4th, she wanted nothing to do with anyone for me. Other than just being flat out tiring, it hurt my heart for the other family members who wanted to bond with her.
In the middle of all this, I was offered a job back in education, and she is fine health wise now. The job starts tomorrow and I was in a panic a few weeks ago about how she would react at going back to daycare. The daycare director at her new daycare let her start coming a few days a week a few weeks back. They had to call me because she was so upset when I left. That is a bad feeling to know you HAVE to be somewhere else and your child is unhappy, no matter who they are with. Thankfully, now, we have both adjusted.
Really, all I'm trying to say is that it's good for him and you to be able to foster those other relationships even if it hurts you to do so. Beleive me, I know, I've been there and no one could do anything right for her except me. Seeing other kids who had mother's that were the same way be so "different" than their peers really opened my eyes and made me want to have a well-adjusted child. I don't want to be "that mother" and I certainly don't want her to be "that child." Hopefully we aren't.
I don't leave her in the nursery at church either, even though it would be her daycare room and one that she is familiar with. It's not because I don't want to leave her in there, I just want her with me during church as long as she isn't bothering others. Usually she just falls asleep and it hasn't been a problem. But if it does, I'm glad to know she and I will both be comfortable.
I'm sorry this has been so long but I guess it just hit close to home for me since I've struggled with being able to let mine go, too!! And seeing the "other side of it" through work! Good luck though, it's tough being a mom. Especially when they've spent all that time in the NICU, and then mine got put in the PICU during her surgery, it's just though!

The 'Ssippi Scoop said...

Thank you for the b'day wishes. I had to comment back and say that we do had the stint in the NICU. That's acutally how I came accross your blog. I was told that she showed signs of developing pulminary hypertension but pulled out of it at the last minute. I had no idea what that was. B's stay in the NICU was way worse than our's but we came on on Christmas Day without a baby. It was so so hard and that is why I become a nut when it came to her. She slept with us from day one and my reasoning was I didn't get to hold her for the first week of her life and I wasn't putting her down. Then she had the airway issues and now that we are all well and moving on, it's killing me.

I'm glad you are so open about all this, though. It really helps to know we aren't alone!

The Allens said...

Jenna, I have the same issues at church. We are dealing with it by going gradual. We leave him in the nursery for Sunday School, but not Sunday School and Service. He does well and they love him, but it stresses me out, so we're building up. I can tell you that every single week is better than the one before.

Al's World said...

What a precious mommy you are. Sometimes I hate comments, text messages, IM's, because people can't hear the way you are saying know I am saying this with love and compassion.
You have been through so much with B, you tried so hard to have him and then when you had him you had trauma, so of course you are not wanting to let him go, who would. But look at what you said, you take him out when he is loud. When have you had a chance to worship the Lord just you and Him? When have you had a couple of hours to yourself so you can regroup? It is so important for you and for him to spend time with the Lord, you can be filled and able to be a better mommy to B. It is also important to take time out for ourselves so we can energize ourselves with friends and quiet time with ourselves so we can be a better wife and mommy. God doesn't not want mommies to be full of guilt. Also, how good for B to spend time with kids his age and play with them instead of having to sit in church. Again, I say this out of love, you are an amazing mommy, and have an amazing son. Take care and have a blessed day.

Laurie said...

You will love Los Cabos! It is right across from the Aquarium. It is a great atmosphere and overlooks the river. I am amazed taht that stranger picked up B. Very scary!

Lilly, Reid, Matt, and Sara said...

Ok so I didn't go through IF or anything like that, but I am still a nervous wreck leaving Lilly with anyone because I know that noone else will take care of her exactly like I do. Their homes are not childproofed like ours is. Their whole lives aren't totally wrapped up in my baby, etc. However, having said that, I still get Lilly regular babysitters (all family members I trust) because I know it is important for her to be able to be around other people comfortably without me...don't worry she is always really excited when I get back.

On another note, my Lilly LOVES the church nursery....which was really hard for me because I do NOT know these people like family, but I realized that at a certain point she wasn't only interfering with me receiving God's word but also the people around us because cute kids are just a distraction! Anyway, she LOVES watching and playing next to the other kids!!

Unknown said...

Girl, I hear ya'! I was the same way, still am alot of times. I rarely leave them with anyone...I guess part of me doesn't want to miss a minute.But since I am a stay at home mom like you, I began to cherish the times I could leave them in the nursery and worship. I craved it. There were so many times that I was interuppted at home when reading my Bible or praying (all good interruptions of course) that having that time really ALONE with God was/is awesome.

It also helped in our nursery that there were wonderful ladies there to love on my babies. That made me so much more confident about leaving them. And they always seemed to have soooooo much fun and were smiling so big when I got back. That made it easier and was an encouragement to me to leave them.

Those people in the nursery are using their gifts to serve others, you take advantage of that when you are ready. =)

Love, Jenifer

Unknown said...

I too, am one of "those mothers". Still! Carly is now 7 years old. I think my problem is due to all Carly has been through. Although, I do remember my older two. I was very much the same way.

It will get easier for us both. I pray it will anyway!!

Amber said...

my girls are 4, 2 and 8 months and i still miss them if i leave them. they are a part of me...and although sometimes it is best to have a break (in order to regroup, breathe some fresh air & have some alone time), i always feel a little lost without them :) i totally know how you are feeling.

Mandy said...

It's normal. FOr some it's easier and for some it's harder. I had a hard time leaving my daughter but when I had emergency surgery and then my son was in the hospital so much, it wasn't an option so she had to be left with family. I work full time so they go to daycare. I know that even when they cry it only lasts a while and then they have fun (in the nursery too). They've gotten so much better at being left and I'm pretty good at it now too! :)

Lisa said...

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I still find myself having a hard time leaving Cameron with someone and he is 2 1/2 years old. I think it all kinda revolves around how you struggled with infertility... perhaps it just makes things a bit harder on us gals. I know that I leave Cameron with his grandparents, but that is about it. I tend to get nervous if it is anyone else so I don't do it (lol). I would start with grandparents first and then from there if you start to feel comfortable then try a close friend. Good Luck!!


Valerie said...

I'm the same way. I am a day care teacher turned stay at home mom. With my first I kept him in church with me, and if he fussed I would take him out. Sometimes we would go in the nursery and I would stay with him and other times I would go in the church lobby and watch the service on one of the tv's out there. It worked for me. I didn't feel like my r'ship with the Lord suffered in any way. When my son was then about a year old we tried to start putting him in nursery and it didn't go over well. It took until he was in the 3 year old class to go on his own. Until that point either my husband or I would stay in class with him. (and here is where the daycare thing comes into play.) A lot of people will say that they stop crying just a minute after you leave, just go. To this I say you have to know your own child. All of mine get to a point where they are so worked up that there is just no calming them down. I tried the cry it out thing. It didn't work for me. I just had kids that were now afraid of walking into class with a deep fear that I would abandon them there. As with all things parenting, you have to find what works for you. With kids 2 & 3 we tried nursery at an earlier age. Same results. We still stay with the little 2 during service. It gets better every Sunday and soon we will be able to leave them the whole time.
My children did not go to a babysitters often at all. I just didn't feel the need for it. On days that I felt like I needed a break, my husband coming home from work was generally enough for me. I like my children. I desire to be around them. I also homeschool my children. (not because I can't let them go but for many other reasons) They show no signs of being unsocial hermits. I think we are doing ok. :)

Jen said...

I am sooo glad you brought this subject up.
I am the nursery director at our church, and I can only speak on behalf of what happens there.
You're right. No one, will ever take care of him the way you do. No one. Because your his mama. But, most often people volunteer in the nursery because they love kids themselves.
My baby girls were born at 23 5/7 weeks. They spent 5 months in the NICU at Childrens Hospital. And honestly, our second (the first was their dedication) Sunday back to church, they were in the nursery.
If you haven't already, ask for a tour, a parent handbook, and meet the director to get all your questions answered. A lot of times that helps, the moms feel more comfortable and it also allows the workers to get to know the important info on the baby.

Plus, in my experience at our church, the workers LOVE getting new babies to play with.

Grami's girls said...

Your feelings are normal. As a grami now I can say that! Just remember there may come a time when you HAVE to leave him with people he doesn't know very well and it could be disturbing to you and him. Don't wait until something occurs that you have no choice, like in an emergency and you are needed somewhere else. It is good for the baby anyway.

Jason, Betsy, Jackson said...

Hi - I'm not sure if I have ever left a comment on your blog, but this one hit home with me. I didn't ready any others, just wanted to post from my heart. My little boy turns two today. I have experienced the exact same thing. We live in the same town as my parents who we are super close with; however, he has only stayed overnight with them twice (once I had the stomach virus). We very rarely go anywhere without him. We left home with my parents to just got to dinner to celebrate our 10 year anniversary and I experienced anxiety. Jackson is adopted and I did infertility for years (I don't know if this has anything to do with it or not). However, I am a school teacher and my husband works, so he does go to daycare. We both feel that he is away from us alot and don't like just leaving him. We have decided to try to go on a date at least every other month. He was a year and a half before we left him in the church nursery. I don't feel that you are nuts and feel like these two years have flashed before my eyes!!!

MomMom said...

Jenna, your feelings are perfectly normal so please understand you're not the only mother to experience these things. As a grandmother now, I understand the importance of bonding time with my grandchildren, and my sons and daughters-in-law have been so sweet to share their children with us but they never impose. We had them last week for Cousins' Camp and had a blast---no parents, just grandchildren. I do want to offer one bit of advice for what it's worth simply because I've been a church nursery coordinator for many years. If you wait too late to take B to the nursery, you make it much more difficult on him and you don't want to do that. So, as difficult as it is to leave him, now is the time so he can get used to it before he gets to the separation anxiety stage. He may still go through some of that at a certain age, but by that time, you will have left him and you know he'll be fine in a min. or so. We have cradle roll class for our babies as soon as they come to the nursery (some as soon as they come to church) and the babies love it. It's a class with colorful visuals and songs about the world God made. The babies pat the Bible and for many of them, their first word is Bible!! How exciting is that for parents trying to instill Christian values at an early age. Of course, what you do is your decision. I just wanted to mention to you what I've observed over the years. Please don't wait too long and make it harder on you and B. He'll soon get to the stage where you end up walking around outside with him more than you're in worship. Please feel free to email me if you have questions and hang in there, you're doing a great job!!

mrstolli said...

I remember feeling the exact same way with my first daughter. Time apart is good, but I know it's really hard. You still need some time for yourself. Yes, you're a mommy, but make sure you set aside a little time just for you. I promise it gets easier with time and the next one will be much easier. :)

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